Nice Guys Finish Last

I’ve put on many costumes over the years. I’ve celebrated numerous Halloweens running the streets of the neighborhood under the cover of darkness. My face has hidden in the guise of ghosts, goblins, devils, scarecrows, skeletons, and the list goes on and on. Over the years, I have thrown what cumulatively must be tons of candy all packed into a plastic bag, pumpkin-shaped buckets, and pillowcases over my shoulders.

For one night out of the years 365, we were allowed to be someone else. We were allowed to take advantage of fear and stick our tongues out at it blowing a raspberry at death’s face. That’s assuming, of course, that our mouths were not busy with the colorful wax lips that kept our mouths warm in the cool air of autumn. But I wonder sometimes if we ever take full advantage of this opportunity to not be ourselves.

Ask yourself one simple question: “Who am I?” Are you the flirt? The gossip? The workaholic? The alcoholic? The good father/mother? The good husband/wife? The bad father/mother/husband/wife? I’m the nice guy. You don’t really know me, at least not personally. I’m the guy that let’s you pass on the freeway, the one that opens the door for you despite who you may be. I’m the one that allows you to step all over him for your benefit. I’m they guy that a girl throws in the wastebasket and complains that there are no more good guys in the world.

Well, Halloween is fast approaching, and I’m running out of ideas of who I want to be. Then, I thought to myself, “Why don’t I just be the total opposite of who I am?” After all, being the nice guy never pays off. The adage predicts that I end up last, and so far that’s the only end of the line that I have become familiar with. Frankly I’m tired of it. In real life, I’m the nice guy. But it’s Halloween, and I want to do something completely out of character, something a nice guy wouldn’t do.

Someone once said, “Anything done out of fear has no moral value.” I quite agree. What if I’m a nice guy because I’m afraid of being punished as a bad guy? That’s no way to live. On Halloween, I intend to commit some atrocity that could only be described as being inherently evil, just for the hell of it. Sure, the downside is that I might actually enjoy the act and become a criminal. But if I don’t, if I find the act so repulsive, then I can live out the rest of my life with integrity, I can honestly say that I am truly a nice guy at heart.

Now what possible act, may you ask will I commit this Halloween? I’ll definitely be wearing a costume that covers my face and doesn’t show any indication of my gender or ethnicity. I’d hate to be caught after going through all this trouble. It’d a deliciously malicious and sinister plan. I’ve never been to a costume party with the alcohol flowing as promiscuously as the rest of the attendants. No, that’s not my evil act, but it’s a start.

I’ll walk in and find a girl. It wouldn’t matter who I picked as this is supposed to be a random act of evil. Granted, there are some logistical issues to take care of. She has to be petite and unassuming so that when I take her to my car, there will be little resistance. She can’t be to heavy that I can’t carry her pass the threshold, of course. Chances are, I’ll gravitate to someone who’s already hammered, but I’ll bring the chloroform just in case.

The duct tape is to just to ensure that there isn’t any unwanted resistance. There is always the off chance that she’ll get away too, so I better bring an extra roll. I’ll bring her to some remote area in the wilderness. The only witness is the moonlight, and the crooked birch trees will obscure even its sight. Depending on my mood, I may have my way with her, or to make things interesting for investigators take all her clothes off and randomly have them strewn about the city. Then, of course, I’d take her life.

It wouldn’t be anything too fancy, just a slit of the throat. I’ll pick her up and have her face away from me to let the blood squirt away from me. The body would be disposed of properly but not so it’s impossible to find. My costume would be covered in blood or something so I would get rid of that (note to self: buy a cheap costume). The car would have to go to in case someone saw me in it. Then I would arrive home, go to sleep, and wake up to my everyday job and no one would be the wiser.

I’ll live out the rest of my life in peace knowing that I have been both good and evil and choosing to be good. There would be no apparent motive or reason so I would never be caught. There’s no physical connection to this girl and me, and the only witnesses would be drunken partygoers who saw her leaving with a masked person. No need to worry, I’m sure I’m a good person so I have no downward spiral to worry about getting into. This is all theoretical anyway. Who knows if I’ll even go through with any of it? As I said earlier, I really am just a nice guy… who wants to try out being someone else for only one night.