House H[a]unting

You are going to love this upcoming [haunted] house. It’s just fantastic [not a good sign: using vague adjectives], and not to mention it’s a handyman’s dream [The place tends to fall apart]. There’s a lot of history behind this house and the very land it was built on [The house is built on the tombs of murdered Native Americans, Cherokee, I think]. You might even say there is a degree of celebrity that comes with buying a house like this [Everyone in the neighborhood knows that this house is evil].

Let’s walk into the living room, shall we? As you can see, the history just echoes through the walls [Voices have been heard in this room]. The paintings on this wall come with the house, it’s almost as if the art refuses to leave the grounds [You’ll regret it, leave the paintings alone]. I feel it adds life to the room. Just try and remove the pictures from the walls; you’ll never get the vibrancy that you would with them hanging up there [The paintings keep the demons at bay, seriously don’t touch the paintings].

Now the walls are an interesting story. See this paint? It’s never needed a touch up in over a century. It’s almost as if it paints itself every so often [It’s blood red for a reason, the walls bleed]. And with a room this large, you’d be saving a lot of money. You can just set a couch over here by the fireplace and relax your stress away. Have it melt away as the embers warm your skin [The portal to hell is in that fireplace]. And see these stone figures here that make up the fireplace? They are inspired by some ancient religion [devil worshipping cult], really goes well with the rest of the décor and history of this place.

Let’s walk over to the kitchen. Everything here is brand new [everything was demolished from the last poltergeist encounter]. The oven, the refrigerator, the dishwasher, all of this is brand new and all yours if you buy the house. Consider it a wedding present from the previous tenants [They were more interested in saving their own lives than their money]. Unlike the living room, the walls here are already freshly painted [Let’s just say it matched the living room walls]. Don’t mind the unsightly blemish in the corner [lightning struck the latest victim here, hence the burn marks]. After all, we can work out something to get the kitchen completely retiled. And I know exactly where I can find this pattern if you like it [This isn’t the first time this house has been up for sale].

Let’s go upstairs. You can see to your left, the bathroom. There’s nothing special about that. It’s just your run of the mill bathroom. Though I should point out that the tub and mirror are slightly damaged [the spirits of the dead Cherokee communicate strongly in the bathroom]. Now, let’s come along to the master bedroom. I would not be exaggerating when I say that [numerous] previous tenants find this room to be the most relaxing. They would walk in and be out before they lie down [murdered in the bedroom, attacked from behind].

Out here, just beyond the bathroom door is the guest bedroom, or dare I say future children’s bedroom? It wouldn’t be the first time that children have inhabited these walls [sacrifices for the aforementioned cult]. In fact, some children in this very bedroom have gone on to bigger things that put this quiet, little street on the map [possessed child kills family… great headline].

Follow me back down. Don’t go in through that door. It’s the cellar, and it’s not exactly presentable to buyers just yet [the bodies of the Cherokee were never properly buried and cannot be moved without another poltergeist attack], but I was just so excited to show you this property. Trust me though; once it’s ready it’ll be ready to host the most extravagant parties. It’s just a bit dusty, nothing a fixer upper couldn’t fix.

Ah, I can see you’ve found your way to the backyard. You see how expansive it is? It hasn’t been confirmed yet, but the rumor is that much of what made this plot of land a part of this country happened right on this field [Innocent men and women of the Cherokee were murdered here, no war, just massacre]. In fact, I’ve heard that this very house played a hand in everything that took place a long time ago [The cavalry built this house in the hopes that no one would find the makeshift graves].

So as you can see, there’s no reason for you not to move in [other than the ghost that won’t let you rest until they do]. It’s perfect for a newlywed [gullible] couple such as you two. And especially great for those expecting to grow their family or just throw lavish parties. It would be a great buy, and I hope you seriously consider taking this property [off her greedy, hands].