The Advertised Man

It’s not the fall that kills you, so they say, but the sudden stop. There was no arguing that The Advertised Man’s death was a result of a fall from his penthouse balcony. He was thirty eight years old. But there was much debate as to how he ended up on the other side of the safety railing and onto the sidewalk. When witnesses found the body, he was shirtless and clutched to something in his hand though no one could initially tell it was. He was so named The Advertised Man by the media who had learned of this revolutionary method of profiting from advertisements. It is unclear whether the Michelangelo Advertising Group (MAG) had approached him or vice versa because not much is known about his past, not even his real name.

There was much debate as to the authenticity of the photo that surfaced on the internet claiming to be that of The Advertised Man before he was known as such. Reasonably so, everyone was and continues to skeptical as the skinny young man with long hair barely resembles the chiseled looks of the man whose corpse lay lifelessly on the concrete. Assuming that it was a picture of him in his younger years it would drastically show the drastic effects of cosmetic surgery and contractual obligation to using all sorts of fitness videos and tools. Some would argue that it is a portrait of a young man who, in his more vulnerable years, was taken advantage of by MAG to sell his body to advertisers in exchange for fame and fortune. These people forget that early on in his career, it was The Advertised Man’s idea to install cameras around his own penthouse apartment to ensure maximum exposure to the public.

The concept of The Advertised Man was simple. While the man was not above appearing in commercials, this new method of selling ad space involved selling his whole body to the industry. With certain exceptions, his skin was available to be tattooed like a billboard. Executives in the fitness and healthy food industries jumped at the chance to sculpt him into the “perfect” specimen. When his body began to form into what the industry deemed an “attractive” shape, clothing designers hung their creations on him as if he were a living mannequin. Plastic surgeons even jumped at the chance to “fix” what “deformities” he had and the result of this madness was The Advertised Man in all his glory, a walking billboard and the epitome of what it means to be “the best.”

Someone must have pointed out that while this was wildly successful with the public, it was missing a woman’s touch. Try as they might, The Advertised Man just did not look good in a chic nightgown so it is rumored that MAG had arranged for him to have a girlfriend. She did not have the obligations of donating spot on her skin to be tattooed or have cameras on her twenty four hours a day. Her name was Tatiana and was a beautiful 24 year old fashion model from Russia. There were times where it seemed they actually hit it off, moments of genuine care for each other instead of some staged farce to sell clothes and perfume. It was never confirmed but some believed that Tatiana even learned his real name. Then there was the controversial moment in which their first night together was sold on the internet to sell condoms and marital aids. Those who have seen it admit there was a tender moment between them that felt more like an intrusion than an advertisement.

As young attractive girls do, Tatiana grew tired of their current situation and left him abruptly. The Advertised Man wasn’t even sure that their relationship had ended until he saw it on the extra wide television that was given to him by another sponsor. From that moment to his death he seemed less energetic and less enthused about his situation. While officials at MAG are unable to confirm this, there were rumors that he wanted out of his contract to live a life as a regular man and not as the advertised one. Conspiracy theorists have speculated that it was MAG who had The Advertised Man killed because of his desire to leave the life of a living billboard. The general public is of the opinion that he had committed suicide, depressed from Tatiana’s rejection. Actually it was amazing how many companies deftly managed to dissociate their product with The Advertised Man’s gruesome death. It was a somber day at the staff meeting that morning, I’m sure.

The day after his much talked about death, the police made an official statement and declared that there were no illegal substances found in his body. His blood alcohol level was slightly elevated but nothing compared to a night of heavy drinking. The body was taken by MAG and a lavish funeral ceremony was planned. The casket, as previously agreed upon by The Advertised Man, was decorated accordingly by sponsors still willing to be associated with him. There were many executives and celebrities but the only one to shed a tear was Tatiana. The circumstances surrounding his death will always be a mystery with the only clue being what he clutched in his hand that night: a newspaper clipping. Its headline read “The Advertised Man Obsolete, MAG to hire Fleet of Advertised Men.”